Another Scriptshadow Logline Review

Over on Scriptshadow is a review of an amateur script called Made in China, with the logline below:

"Two estranged sisters from New York travel to rural China to receive an inheritance from the father they never knew. Once there, they find themselves on a wild journey of self discovery as they race the clock to pass physical and psychological tests set forth in their father’s will that will earn them his mysterious legacy."

The writer of this script welcomes critique so that she can figure out why this logline got so many read requests (yay!), but no considers or recommends (wah). I will do my best to help!

First, let me make clear that I'm not reading the actual script, though I did read the Scriptshadow review, and know the main story beats. The script may be a great page turner. I'm only focusing on the logline, and how it SUGGESTS potential issues in the story's structure.

As I've said in previous posts, I believe the logline helps the writer as well as the reader understand the story being told. You can review my logline manifesto here.

So, I see red flags in this logline. Yes, I know it's a successful logline that got multiple requests for a script. In THAT sense, the logline is great. But it gives me concerns that the writer doesn't have a firm handle on her story--concerns which are substantiated by the story summary.

For example, it turns out that the "mysterious legacy" goal isn't really mysterious throughout so much as it contains an act three surprise. Throughout act two, it's just money, which is a perfectly fine goal. But if money is the goal, then say so. I worry many readers went into this script suspecting some mysterious, supernatural, or even horror-tinged goal which never materialized.

Next, let's look at the vague stakes for the dual protagonists. Basically, they're two mice thrown into a maze at the start of act two, looking for cheese. The logline only SAYS there's a ticking clock rather than making the ticking clock clear by stating stakes for failure. What will happen if these two sisters fail the maze? Are they competing? Does the loser get nothing? When I don't see clear stakes for failure, I worry that a protagonist is going to be a puppet rather than driven by her own desires. And, again, the summary bears out my fear. One sister has a clear want for money, but the other's big-want is to make the journey to China to close a deal and win a promotion. She doesn't care about the inheritance. She's just accommodating her sister. If you're going to give your protagonist a big-want of a promotion, then you have to respect it. This sister CAN'T go into the maze UNLESS going into the maze helps her achieve her promotion. Otherwise, you're telling the reader, "Never mind". Your protagonist is a puppet driven by the writer's plot needs rather than her own wants. 

Scriptshadow brings up a great template for this writer to study: Rain Man. There are many similarities: Estranged siblings, an inheritance, a road trip. So let's look at my version of the Rain Man logline:

"After discovering an autistic older brother he didn't know he had at his estranged father's will reading, a self-centered hotshot on the verge of financial ruin must wrest control of his father's estate from the brother's care facility by kidnapping the brother and winning his confidence during a California road trip to settle the hotshot's debts."

Notice how the protagonist's goal aligns with going on a road trip with his sibling? In Made In China, one sibling has no such alignment, an issue I feared from the logline.

So how do you fix this? I can't be certain without reading the script, but I can guess. Maybe the workaholic sister needs something from the cash-strapped sister rather than wanting a client-deal unrelated to the story's core journey. Maybe the workaholic wrote a tell-all and needs her sister to sign away life rights. Maybe the workaholic needs a kidney. Or maybe the workaholic needs money too! In fact, that might be the best answer, as perhaps the workaholic needs the ENTIRE inheritance, putting the sisters in eventual conflict. It presents opportunities for sister sabotage. It makes clear stakes. How about something like this:

"After an eccentric father they never knew passes away, two estranged and debt-ridden sisters must travel to rural China to claim their inheritance, only to find a catch: Their father has designed a gauntlet of tests for them to pass which threaten to break their already meager family-bond."

Here's another possibility: Maybe this doesn't want to be a dual protagonist story. Maybe one sister is an antagonist or magical helper.

Or maybe the actual story works, and the logline just isn't capturing it. I'd have to read the script to know. Let's not forget, I'm just brainstorming about loglines, hoping that the process shakes out the right answer for the writer. 

Writer, if you read this, let me know if this helps!